Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
You Might Also Like
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
(Jupiter –
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”