Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
You Might Also Like
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..