Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
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What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.