Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Spa day..😅
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.