Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
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On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.