Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
