Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
LOL
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
