Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Beards are a privilege, not a right
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
