Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real