Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

The future is now.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]