Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
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To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
School be like
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.