Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Free him

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.