Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

Holy moly

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”