Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

me: my friends:

Jogging

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.