Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

Best spot.. 😅

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

🐿️

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look