Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

😂😂

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

choose your fighter

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.