Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex


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Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.


[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles


I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me


Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.


There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.


Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.


If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?


*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”


If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.