Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
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NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does