Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
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*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Do not go gentle into that good night,
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.