Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
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Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license