Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
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“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair