Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
an octopus is just a wet spider
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
There’s only one good girl here!
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*