Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Inspirational Tweets*

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school