Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe