Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

Godspeed, John Glenn

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

Your honor these allegations are

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

this FaceApp is creepy af

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.