Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?