Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!