Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

see you in hell you stupid fruit

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

Me too

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out