Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
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i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.