Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

A choir of Spring onions

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.