Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
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Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult