Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
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Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach