Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

idk flipping houses looks really hard

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]