Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
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“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
japanese corn
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning