Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

my friends: omg how are you!

me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”