FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
You Might Also Like
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.