FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
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Ad placement of the day
#ooh
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
our love story in four pictures
New skill unlocked
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.