FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
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[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I’m good, thanks.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.