Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

Aight bet

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

tell em, edith-anne

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.