Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
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Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels