gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
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My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better