Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
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My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Finally
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.