Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
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Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.