Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

Good morning

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.