Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”