Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Oh my God.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

watergate? u mean a dam??

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”