Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime