Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
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ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My blood type is coffee.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March