Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
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[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry