Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”