Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Toxic snake

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.