Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

.. do you even science?

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

Rare photo of two submarines racing

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.