Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Skip intro
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
