five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
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Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*