five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
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Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit