five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
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[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.