Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I love wikipedia
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*