Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
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You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
lmao
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa