Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
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Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.