“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
You Might Also Like
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
ME: Say his name.
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”
ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies