Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

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“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”


If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.


My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.


After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.


Now I see why they call it your better half… My wife just stopped me from microwaving a plastic container… did not know you were not supposed to do that… And apparently you shouldn’t use hot water to fill up the ice tray either… Been a LOTTA lectures in my kitchen tonight


If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.


The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.


friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower


WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
ME: Say his name.
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks


[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies