Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I love snow
– People who never shovel
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.