Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.