fixed it
You Might Also Like
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
is this store having a stroke wtf
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*