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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
How did we not see this back then?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?