fixed it
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
wishing you and yours all the best
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I told my vodka about you.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?