Fixed this for Shakespeare
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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard