Fixed this for Shakespeare
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I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”