Fixed this for Shakespeare
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[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Brilliant!
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN