Fixed this for Shakespeare
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Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
