Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

🤣

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

welcome back

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

every single time

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK