Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

.

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

dril cadence

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

But wait…

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5