Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
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The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
HELP 😭
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
making sure he doesnt get away
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.