Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
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Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Me driving through Toronto
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.