Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Dead sexy!!
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve