Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.