Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

subtitles are so good nowadays

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

This is the one

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.