*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
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PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Oops
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team