*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.