*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”